Lets talk about a bad scene while it’s fresh in my memory
trigger warnings for mobile tumblr kids: uuhh. abuse? burns, non-consent, limit breaking, alcohol
Last night, I was supposed to be the birthday wish fairy. I had a painful and unpleasant scene, during which I had a panic attack and didn’t feel safe calling out of. This was my first ever wax scene. I had my requests during the scene ignored, my top did things we hadn’t negotiated, I have what looks and feels like a third degree burn on my thigh (grey, hard, no feeling), and I received no options for aftercare (and wouldn’t have wanted to be touched by my top at all regardless).
I was angry and upset afterward, and didn’t lie to people who asked if I was okay, and in response was told that the top is well-respected in the community, and that others play with him with no problems, and that I should talk to him about how I feel and he would inevitably understand. This was after I’d already shown him my burn and cried in front of him, and it was apparent that he didn’t give a fuck.
Problems with the scene:
My top had a goal: rub someone up with baby oil, cover that person in wax, stick 51 candles on them (one for each year of his life, one to grow on), have people come by and make wishes on them, blowing them out one by one. I was ecstatic about the last part, which is why I agreed to do the scene, in addition to being aware that the top is trusted in the community, has always been rather sweet to me, and having the knowledge that I’ve wanted to try wax since I’d found out what it was.
My well-being was not, by any means, a priority to him. His intention was not to have a scene with me, but to put on a show and to look cool. He set us up in the middle of the room, seemed to have specific music playing: he wanted people to look at us and be impressed and get involved, and he didn’t care what that took, which became very apparent when I
- screamed at the heat and then told him to pause and he didn’t
- asked him multiple times to wait a moment to let me process and he didn’t
- told him that it was too hot and asked him to pour from higher up and had him say “this is higher up, right” and continue pouring from the same, and sometimes a closer distance, while I panicked and screamed, simultaneously trying to get away and afraid to move
He continuously told me that he had to keep pouring, and that he had to pour from close up to get a thick enough layer to place birthday candles on. He told me I couldn’t move around so much because it would ruin the results.
When I asked him to pause or to do things differently, even things as simple as asking to pour from higher up (which, as far as I’m aware, should have the desired effect of layering wax instead of melting it off anyway), he would look exceptionally disappointed in me, stare at me for a very long time, and then either halfheartedly agree and usually ignore my request anyway until I screamed to call him out on it, or he would instead try to convince me to let him do otherwise by explaining again that the wax needed to be thick enough for him to place candles on.During my panic attack, which should have been apparent to any top paying any modicum of attention considering I was hyperventilating, he continued to pour wax on me. Soon after this, likely in an attempt to get me to stop squirming at the wax being poured on me,he placed his boot on my chest/throat: 1) we didn’t negotiate this, 2) he was standing up, not paying attention to the pressure on my throat but the wax pouring, 3) he almost fell, and it was lucky as fuck that I was cognizant enough to have my hands on his boot and pushing away. There’s an invisible but very tender bruise on my chest now.
I should have backed out at the first sign of shittiness: he was drinking, I told him it made me uncomfortable, he told me it wouldn’t affect him and that it was “[his] responsibility” and not mine to worry about it. When he was rubbing oil on me (apparently so that the wax wouldn’t stick to my skin) he punched my crotch a handful of times with absolutely no warning or negotiation about it, and for some reason I laughed and pushed at his face so he’d stop instead of stopping the scene right then and there (which I should have), hoping that that would get the point across; and it did, he didn’t punch me again.
When they were lighting candles, I was in hell. Both lighters they brought didn’t work, so they ended up using one candle to light the others: this meant hot wax dripping directly onto me from a candle about two inches from my skin. He told me multiple times that it wouldn’t be so hot once the wax built up, but I was feeling those droplets, and despite pointing it out multiple times, no one did anything. He would lean down, listen to me explain what was wrong, and then lean back up and continue as if I hadn’t said anything, letting the woman with the candle continue to light the others […] At one point, a candle fell over, and it took a significant enough amount of time for them to notice that it burned my thigh.
[ cut to afterward…]
I showed him my burn and he ran his nail across it to make sure it wasn’t just wax, and pretty much just shrugged […] I tried to talk to him about the scene, about how manipulative it is to allow yourself to seem disappointed when a bottom has legitimate needs in a scene, and I was essentially just brushed off, so I wrapped up in a sheet and rejoined the party, fielding “are you okay”s and people complimenting the scene. The following morning, multiple people told me they were worried for me during the scene, that I looked completely “checked out” (which I can’t remember being: I felt entirely cognizant), and one person said that they wanted badly to take the candles away from the top and hug me. We proceeded to hug.
I didn’t stop the scene for a number of reasons, some of which I’m sure I still don’t know or understand, but I think it comes down to being afraid to disappoint someone to is so “well-respected,” well-known, the guest of honor of the party, and the person whose birthday it is. I let him continue to play with me because I figured the endorphins would set in and I’d be fine, or that it’d be over soon and wouldn’t matter, or that I was just being a wuss and I couldn’t fuck up this thing he’s been talking about excitedly to everyone, that everyone knows the intended outcome for, and while they all watched.
I won’t make this mistake again. If shit feels wrong, I’m not putting myself at risk for some asshole’s ego trip. If they can’t be a good top and take care of me, then it’s not worth the experience for me to go away feeling like I want to tear my skin away, guilty for not stopping him.
I’m taking care of the burns. A sweet couple, one of whom I cuddled and slept with naked, completely comfortable and safe-feeling, took me out to breakfast and we talked about other problems this person has had in the community.
One of the people I talked to before leaving the space said that if he weren’t so well known and connected, he wouldn’t by any means be invited to these parties anymore, and the five other people in the room agreed.
I don’t understand why this person is still invited to parties.I don’t understand why I was led to believe he is trustworthy when I saw and experienced him not practicing consent multiple times in one night, and was told that this isn’t new.
I do understand that if people were more straightforward and trying less not to hurt the feelings of people doing bad things, our community would be a much safer place[…]That is nowhere near okay. I don’t care what position in the Community this person has, that is by no means a reason to keep him around after that.
I wish I was involved in your area’s scene. Id be kicking up a fucking storm until someone did something.
This is why I’m a fan of P.R.I.C.K, what that guy did was wrong make no mistake, he’s a shitty top and he should be black listed. This is going to be an unpopular opinion but you never thought to say red? You could have ended the scene and you should have. In a perfect world we should always have responsible play partners who care about us and our well being before, during and after play. Sadly, that’s not the case and this is a prime example of this. To say the scene going as bad as it did was solely his fault is in my opinion wrong. You more than anyone else are responsible for your safety and well being.
I hope you heal quickly and that guy gets drummed out of the community.
This is going to be a popular opinion, but when you haven’t explicitly negotiated “keep going even if I struggle and scream and tell you to stop,” ignoring obvious signs of distress during a kink scene is inexcusable. Consent to a scene is not consent to every rule someone might secretly imagine applies to the scene. And this guy did the same thing with at least three different people, so the “bottoms need to take some responsibility because the word no is invisible to tops” angle is wearing thin indeed here.
Safewords are great, but they don’t replace tops being decent fucking human beings.
I was kind of done responding to these but then I saw your’s. You’ve done a lot of research on BDSM, that’s cool. I’d like to give you my credentials and you tell me if you have more experience than I do, sounds fair. I’ve been active in my local scene for three years now, during which I’ve taught classes on knife play, rough body play and blood play. I’m also a co-leader of my local TNG (18 to 35 kink group that’s designed to be a a safe place for younger members of the scene to explore and grow) and on December 15th, 2013 I was given my first piece of Leather. If you want me to explain any of what I just said by all means go ahead or more importantly if you’d like to drop the pitch fork and torch, please send me a message and I’d be happy to clarify my point as everyone is willing to scream and no one is willing to listen. If not? That’s cool too.
(bold italics added)
Dear @knifeintheeye: You’re fucking up.
LMAO.
All the hate from mad, angry niggers below is glorious.
Looks like they are all in dire need of training. Why not message the blog owner and beg him to train y’all as his nigger slave?
:P
I think someone’s due for a cyanide cocktail, personally.
Oh, look. Racism hidden in a fetishisizing blog. Probably never touched a woman in their life. If you have to demand they call you “daddy”, it’s b/c you don’t know how to do it right.
Oh look another race-card playing moron on the web who doesn’t know what the word racism actually means and who obviously doesn’t have a clue about BDSM.
Calling a dom master or daddy or something is a sign of respect. But what would you know? You’d probably have to look up how to spell BDSM.
So apparently ~race playing~ means it’s okay to spew racist rhetoric bullshit.
White people said whaaaaaaat?
I DARE somebody to come at me from this position. As a fellow kinkster, this reeks of fake dom bullshit and so much racism I’m gagging. OP can have all the seats in Ohio Stadium for this FUCKERY.
I don’t think you have a clue what you’re talking about. This doesn’t reek of anything fake. It’s just a pretty standard master / sub relationship with a race angle. Millions of people have relationships like this. You reek of a fake web sub to be honest. Too many angry blacks in this thread who really need to lay off listening to the NAACP and stop hating on people enjoying sex their way. Go find a rape fantasy blog run by a woman and whine she’s betraying her sex.
Honestly, I find the idea of that dude’s blog kinda gross, however there’s nothing illegal about what he’s doing and if people have an issue with it then they don’t need to be reading his blog. It’s obviously a fetish blog with a specific purpose. And ultimately, and what those criticizing this blog don’t seem to understand, is that this man isn’t forcing anyone to do anything. Any black woman he “dominates” is choosing that lifestyle, and it’s up to them whether or not they want to continue participating in that lifestyle or doing any of the activities. These people who are wishing physical harm and death on this guy are truly disgusting. Seriously, what the actual fuck?
Though there is nothing illegal about these sexual encounters; these women, especially woc volunteer themselves for a reason. I truly believe that stigma, statistics, stereotypes, about the genotype of women/*woc have subconsciously and/or consciously swayed these women to manifest malign/unhealthy phenotypes. I agree we can’t intrude on peoples sex lives, we can make efforts to stop these phenotypes by changing interaction. I don’t think that approach is the way to cure this behaviour.
Legality is 100% irrelevant. (I don’t know how many times I have to say it: legal≠ethical. Ethical is a much higher standard.)
Even the hypothetical sub’s hypothetical consent isn’t necessarily the most relevant thing.
What’s definitely relevant is this: Tops have an ethical responsibility not to deliberately do lasting harm to their bottoms. If you found someone who’d been consistently nonconsentually abused to the point that they truly believed themself to be a worthless subhuman fuckhole, would it strike you as “just consensual bdsm fun!” to take them on as a humiliation sub and hit their very real buttons over and over— ie: replicate/continue the trauma? Doing that would cause actual harm. Fuck legal. Would that be right?
Well this is exactly the same thing.
Taking on a damaged sub and then exploiting their damage for your pleasure and to their real, lasting detriment is PREDATOR BEHAVIOR.
See also: the Campsite Rule of Unbalanced Relationships (the more-empowered partner should “leave it like you found it, or better”).
Not to mention, this is unusually gross even for “raceplay.” (Assuming this prick actually has any partners at all, and this isn’t just an excuse to spew racist crap while holding his dick in his hand.) Stuff like the “she should appreciate that if she lives in a white country in the year 2013…” line, and “beatings by a white man aren’t just wanton violence,” and “blacks are genuinely closer to animals… they are naturally more primitive, more violent” reveal actual racist belief. Repulsive in general, and as far as kink specifically, it kind of precludes safe, bounded play. He’s playing with a collection of stereotypes, not a real person complete with real needs, limits, and reactions. (Frex, in his mind, nothing he does to a black woman sub would be “wanton violence” simply because she’s a black woman. In other words, he thinks it’s just not possible to violate a black fsub. If he does X, then X is okay. Danger Level: HIGH)
But somehow one of the worst things IMO is the idea of extending this dynamic into the public and to all white people. Sick, and also abusive. The public didn’t consent to be part of this fucked-up game. And the sub can apparently be mistreated by anyone (anyone white), to any degree, and he thinks that’s just tits. WTF?
Bottom line, a black female sub playing with this guy would not be safe.
And while I’m at it, seriously, you can all FOAD with this “consent makes anything and everything okay”/”omg KINKSHAMING!1!!” bullshit. Hate to break it to you, but not all consent is equal. Also, your judgement is biased! (Conflict of interest anyone??) So yeah. You’re gonna have to try harder. “Consent” is not a get-out-of-abusership-free card. It is not a “yay now I don’t have to think about their wellbeing, let’s get to the me-orgasming part!” pass.
This is from my own real life experience. I have had a variety of subs and slaves over the years, not just black ones. With black females, training is much the same as with other women, except with a few extras.
I always impress upon any black submissive female that her colour plays a significant part in how I treat her. I let her know that because she is black, she is inherently inferior to me and my people and this is drummed into her throughout her training.
[…]When she goes out, I choose for her what she is allowed to wear. As she is a black female, the clothes I choose for her usually maximise the sluttiness of her body.
[…]From the moment the relationship starts, she may only ever address me as ‘Sir’, ‘Master’ or ‘Daddy’. This applies not only in the house but in front of her friends and out in public too.
Any black submissive I have learns that she is below any other sub I have of another colour. She is of course below white subs and even below Asian ones. I may allow the other subs to beat her or use her for their amusement and she learns to serve them when I’m not around, if I allow it.
There is even a hierarchy with black slaves. Those with very dark skin and heavy African features are the lowest of the low and inferior to light skinned black women with more Western features.
For any black slave, part of her teachings regarding her inferior status involves instructing her how to behave around white people as a whole, not just me.
[…]Her demeanour towards white people should always be respectful and obedient. She should never raise her voice to a white person and she should always go out of her way to make sure she never offends one.
She should appreciate that if she lives in a white country in the year 2013 she has a better quality of life than 90% of blacks living in the world; and she should be forever grateful for the opportunities white people have afforded her, which, she doesn’t really deserve.
Blacks are genuinely closer to animals than other races in some regards, which is why as a people their countries are so far behind everyone else’s. They are naturally more primitive, more violent and more given to base, carnal desires.
If blacks are not closely controlled and not regularly beaten to discourage anti-social behaviour, they become violent and detrimental to society.
[…]Nigger females should be taught from the beginning that their body is the main reason why their white master wants them. Her main role in life is to use her 3 holes to pleasure his dick as and when he chooses.
[…]As mentioned, beatings should be frequent and black women, with their bigger bottoms are well suited to being beaten. As part of their culture too, they are used to being physically dominated, even by their own bestial nigger males.
However, beatings by a white man aren’t just wanton violence - they are educational lessons and she is expected to learn from them.
Humiliation and objectification also play a part in helping to break her down as a person and remove from her any poisonous notion installed into her by society that she is inherently worth anything more than being a fuck-toy for men.
When she isn’t being beaten, fucked or put to work, I will often leave her chained up or tied up.
[…]If she has a job, then her salary should be paid into his bank account. She should have no money of her own unless he says otherwise - everything she needs will be bought by him. Her possessions should be turned over to him and her passport and other official documentation should be given to him upon moving in. She should be totally reliant upon him for existence.
From the moment she moves in with him, her whole life has one meaning - to please him. Nothing else matters.
[…]There is plenty more but this isn’t the place for large essays. Any questions or comments, feel free to message me.
Any place this guy is comfortable is a place I don’t want to be.
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bleh
on about a dozen different levels, bleh.
with liberal doses of sigh, grr, fuck this, and oh for fuck’s sake.
This is seriously one of the most depressing things I’ve seen in weeks. I can’t even believe the note counts on some of this crap.
So much fail, both meta and direct. Individually, they're… not great. But putting them all together like this… jesus. I barely have the words. Let’s just say, it’s worse than the sum of its parts. So much worse.
The assumptions! The essentialism! The schizophrenia!
The repetitiveness. The endlessly regurgitated dogma.
The total, exclusive focus on M/f.
The near-complete lack of qualification.
And the worst thing about this— the absolute worst, most depressing thing— is that this is totally representative.
98% crap and 2% potentially useful information? Yeah, that’s pretty standard.
Lord save me from internexperts. Lord save me from 4th-wave kink.
Ugh.
start with just the phrase, “…eagerly surrendering the most precious aspect of her body, her womb to his/their seed to impregnate her egg …” and it only gets better from there!
For me, it’s the total package that sends me over the edge with the whole idea of my wife breeding with black lovers. Unfortunately, it’s only a fantasy right now as we are not even swingers currently. She is a very ultra conservative, traditional woman who has a career in the public eye so it is…
ugh
So I read this play on sexual politics this morning that said AN ERECTION DOES NOT MEAN CONSENT. Maybe not, but it does, at least, indicate a willingness to be given the opportunity to say tomorrow, “Golly, we had so much to drink that I don’t remember anything about last night!”
with just a simple sentence that YOU Sir… would NOT be my Dom… ever. haha like EVER EVER EVER. Yes… you have an excellent job, are 6’1”, have an awesome body, and are very handsome. But, you totally screwed up with “I have no idea what they could teach though… don’t you just hit them?” This response was after telling this fellow about a flogging class I went to.
“dont you just hit them?” mmmmkay… no. It is so much more than that. You don’t just pick up a flogger or any kind of BDSM toy and take a whack at the closest submissive you can find. It takes practice and skill, it takes knowing the safety and precautions, it takes knowing whether you’d like to be fancy and Florentine or figure 8, it takes knowing what kind of flogger you’d like, what fits best in your hand, how to clean it properly, what as a dominant makes YOU comfortable so that you can preform well on your submissive… it takes much more than just simply hitting someone.
I’m sorry but I dunno it kind of floored me that he said that. I dont know if i’m overreacting. But… come on dude. What even… no. Just…no. haha
preach!
Yesterday evening my Mistress and I talked about her desire to have NO Penis in Vagina (PIV) contact anymore in our relationship.
She believes that PIV is a male dominant-act that doesnt suit her and her desires. She preferes anal and clitoral stimulation by my tongue.
It was an easy decision! We both felt this was far the best option.
She is sexually very dominant and prefers to fuck my ass above all!
I am (sexually) a very feminine sissyhusband that loves to get assfucked and loves to lick her ass and pussy.
This is New Marriage: female makes the man her pussyboi.
When you get down to it, forcing a man to suck a cock is much more humiliating than forcing a woman to eat pussy. Don’t ya think?
NO.
I don’t.
Ugh.