knifeintheye:

pervocracy:

knifeintheeye:

ladyluciix:

little-dorklops:

Lets talk about a bad scene while it’s fresh in my memory

trigger warnings for mobile tumblr kids: uuhh. abuse? burns, non-consent, limit breaking, alcohol

Last night, I was supposed to be the birthday wish fairy. I had a painful and unpleasant scene, during which I had a panic attack and didn’t feel safe calling out of. This was my first ever wax scene. I had my requests during the scene ignored, my top did things we hadn’t negotiated, I have what looks and feels like a third degree burn on my thigh (grey, hard, no feeling), and I received no options for aftercare (and wouldn’t have wanted to be touched by my top at all regardless). 

I was angry and upset afterward, and didn’t lie to people who asked if I was okay, and in response was told that the top is well-respected in the community, and that others play with him with no problems, and that I should talk to him about how I feel and he would inevitably understand. This was after I’d already shown him my burn and cried in front of him, and it was apparent that he didn’t give a fuck. 

Problems with the scene: 
My top had a goal: rub someone up with baby oil, cover that person in wax, stick 51 candles on them (one for each year of his life, one to grow on), have people come by and make wishes on them, blowing them out one by one. I was ecstatic about the last part, which is why I agreed to do the scene, in addition to being aware that the top is trusted in the community, has always been rather sweet to me, and having the knowledge that I’ve wanted to try wax since I’d found out what it was. 
My well-being was not, by any means, a priority to him. His intention was not to have a scene with me, but to put on a show and to look cool. He set us up in the middle of the room, seemed to have specific music playing: he wanted people to look at us and be impressed and get involved, and he didn’t care what that took, which became very apparent when I 

  • screamed at the heat and then told him to pause and he didn’t
  • asked him multiple times to wait a moment to let me process and he didn’t
  • told him that it was too hot and asked him to pour from higher up and had him say “this is higher up, right” and continue pouring from the same, and sometimes a closer distance, while I panicked and screamed, simultaneously trying to get away and afraid to move

He continuously told me that he had to keep pouring, and that he had to pour from close up to get a thick enough layer to place birthday candles on. He told me I couldn’t move around so much because it would ruin the results.

When I asked him to pause or to do things differently, even things as simple as asking to pour from higher up (which, as far as I’m aware, should have the desired effect of layering wax instead of melting it off anyway), he would look exceptionally disappointed in me, stare at me for a very long time, and then either halfheartedly agree and usually ignore my request anyway until I screamed to call him out on it, or he would instead try to convince me to let him do otherwise by explaining again that the wax needed to be thick enough for him to place candles on.

During my panic attack, which should have been apparent to any top paying any modicum of attention considering I was hyperventilating, he continued to pour wax on me. Soon after this, likely in an attempt to get me to stop squirming at the wax being poured on me,he placed his boot on my chest/throat: 1) we didn’t negotiate this, 2) he was standing up, not paying attention to the pressure on my throat but the wax pouring, 3) he almost fell, and it was lucky as fuck that I was cognizant enough to have my hands on his boot and pushing away. There’s an invisible but very tender bruise on my chest now. 

I should have backed out at the first sign of shittiness: he was drinking, I told him it made me uncomfortable, he told me it wouldn’t affect him and that it was “[his] responsibility” and not mine to worry about it. When he was rubbing oil on me (apparently so that the wax wouldn’t stick to my skin) he punched my crotch a handful of times with absolutely no warning or negotiation about it, and for some reason I laughed and pushed at his face so he’d stop instead of stopping the scene right then and there (which I should have), hoping that that would get the point across; and it did, he didn’t punch me again. 

When they were lighting candles, I was in hell. Both lighters they brought didn’t work, so they ended up using one candle to light the others: this meant hot wax dripping directly onto me from a candle about two inches from my skin. He told me multiple times that it wouldn’t be so hot once the wax built up, but I was feeling those droplets, and despite pointing it out multiple times, no one did anything. He would lean down, listen to me explain what was wrong, and then lean back up and continue as if I hadn’t said anything, letting the woman with the candle continue to light the others […] At one point, a candle fell over, and it took a significant enough amount of time for them to notice that it burned my thigh.

[ cut to afterward…]

I showed him my burn and he ran his nail across it to make sure it wasn’t just wax, and pretty much just shrugged […] I tried to talk to him about the scene, about how manipulative it is to allow yourself to seem disappointed when a bottom has legitimate needs in a scene, and I was essentially just brushed off, so I wrapped up in a sheet and rejoined the party, fielding “are you okay”s and people complimenting the scene. The following morning, multiple people told me they were worried for me during the scene, that I looked completely “checked out” (which I can’t remember being: I felt entirely cognizant), and one person said that they wanted badly to take the candles away from the top and hug me. We proceeded to hug. 

I didn’t stop the scene for a number of reasons, some of which I’m sure I still don’t know or understand, but I think it comes down to being afraid to disappoint someone to is so “well-respected,” well-known, the guest of honor of the party, and the person whose birthday it is. I let him continue to play with me because I figured the endorphins would set in and I’d be fine, or that it’d be over soon and wouldn’t matter, or that I was just being a wuss and I couldn’t fuck up this thing he’s been talking about excitedly to everyone, that everyone knows the intended outcome for, and while they all watched. 

I won’t make this mistake again. If shit feels wrong, I’m not putting myself at risk for some asshole’s ego trip. If they can’t be a good top and take care of me, then it’s not worth the experience for me to go away feeling like I want to tear my skin away, guilty for not stopping him. 

I’m taking care of the burns. A sweet couple, one of whom I cuddled and slept with naked, completely comfortable and safe-feeling, took me out to breakfast and we talked about other problems this person has had in the community.
One of the people I talked to before leaving the space said that if he weren’t so well known and connected, he wouldn’t by any means be invited to these parties anymore, and the five other people in the room agreed. 

I don’t understand why this person is still invited to parties. 

I don’t understand why I was led to believe he is trustworthy when I saw and experienced him not practicing consent multiple times in one night, and was told that this isn’t new. 
I do understand that if people were more straightforward and trying less not to hurt the feelings of people doing bad things, our community would be a much safer place[…]

Read Full Post

That is nowhere near okay. I don’t care what position in the Community this person has, that is by no means a reason to keep him around after that.

I wish I was involved in your area’s scene. Id be kicking up a fucking storm until someone did something.

This is why I’m a fan of P.R.I.C.K, what that guy did was wrong make no mistake, he’s a shitty top and he should be black listed. This is going to be an unpopular opinion but you never thought to say red? You could have ended the scene and you should have. In a perfect world we should always have responsible play partners who care about us and our well being before, during and after play. Sadly, that’s not the case and this is a prime example of this. To say the scene going as bad as it did was solely his fault is in my opinion wrong. You more than anyone else are responsible for your safety and well being.

I hope you heal quickly and that guy gets drummed out of the community.

This is going to be a popular opinion, but when you haven’t explicitly negotiated “keep going even if I struggle and scream and tell you to stop,” ignoring obvious signs of distress during a kink scene is inexcusable. Consent to a scene is not consent to every rule someone might secretly imagine applies to the scene. And this guy did the same thing with at least three different people, so the “bottoms need to take some responsibility because the word no is invisible to tops” angle is wearing thin indeed here.

Safewords are great, but they don’t replace tops being decent fucking human beings.

I was kind of done responding to these but then I saw your’s. You’ve done a lot of research on BDSM, that’s cool. I’d like to give you my credentials and you tell me if you have more experience than I do, sounds fair. I’ve been active in my local scene for three years now, during which I’ve taught classes on knife play, rough body play and blood play. I’m also a co-leader of my local TNG (18 to 35 kink group that’s designed to be a a safe place for younger members of the scene to explore and grow) and on December 15th, 2013 I was given my first piece of Leather. If you want me to explain any of what I just said by all means go ahead or more importantly if you’d like to drop the pitch fork and torch, please send me a message and I’d be happy to clarify my point as everyone is willing to scream and no one is willing to listen. If not? That’s cool too.

(bold italics added)

Dear @knifeintheeye: You’re fucking up.

  1. sarahskitten reblogged this from little-dorklops and added:
    This makes me very sad and unhappy. Why do people have to be such assholes to others?
  2. mindofmissl reblogged this from little-dorklops
  3. pensivepoision reblogged this from little-dorklops
  4. vanillaedge reblogged this from little-dorklops and added:
    “One of the people I talked to before leaving the space said that if he weren’t so well known and connected, he wouldn’t...
  5. nursejack reblogged this from goddessthain
  6. goddessthain reblogged this from little-dorklops and added:
    This is what a bad scene looks like. A top who is not taking the bottom’s rights to communicate their needs seriously -...
  7. riotsquirrrl reblogged this from little-dorklops and added:
    Why doesn’t this have more notes? Why isn’t the fucktard who did this to you named? There’s no tou to b violate here on...
  8. lesandbarnlife reblogged this from lesandbarnlife and added:
    Signal boost for Nadia West
  9. amhypnotic reblogged this from little-dorklops and added:
    I don’t reblog much, especially non-hypnosis stuff, but these kind of stories need to be heard. As someone that’s...
  10. knifeintheeye reblogged this from soiscrewedmycompanions and added:
    I was kind of done responding to these but then I saw your’s. You’ve done a lot of research on BDSM, that’s cool. I’d...
  11. little-dorklops posted this